Yet Another Dress Rehersal For Her Broadway Show

4:09 am
I am awake
again....

have been since 2:54 am

natter, natter, natter
whine, whine, whine
squeal with glee

rinse and repeat

Our little Broadway Diva is at it again. Does she not know she has swimming lessons in about 4 hours now? Nooooo, she doesn't even remember what a pool is I bet or the fact that she has super cool Nemo swimming diapers to wear in it under her new daisy bathers. I think my eyes are bleeding. Wasn't I just writing to you all, what, 5 minutes ago?

Whilst staring at the stucco ceiling over the last hour, my mind has been to many places. One of which, it keeps circling back to. Ben and I have been talking about #2 and getting this family rolling. My latest thought toward that goal is going through labour and delivery again and what a mess it was the first time.

For those of you who do not know, my first go around was nearly fatal. It's a long story but basically the trouble can be directly linked to the anesthesiologist/anesthetic and one epically stupid nurse. My first epidural came out of my back, my second one caused a big dip in my blood pressure (80/50) but they finally got me stable after 3 hours. Some wise ass nurse decided that it was OK to let that epidural run out just as I was starting to push, thinking Ollie would be born quickly before the meds actually ran out. She was wrong, I paid the price and an hour and a half later she arrived, sans any meds. Then I ran into trouble and they had to order an emergency epidural to refreeze me so they could go back in and fetch my placenta. Well that one caused my blood pressure to dip to 50/27, that was almost the end of me. Poor Ben got a big scare and poor Olivia spent her first precious hours in the world, alone and ignored with a heart condition that went undiagnosed, while everyone scrambled to keep me here. It was not exactly the delivery you see in the movies.

Now back to the original thought - #2. I got to thinking that if we do go ahead, things are going to be very different this time. I am so much wiser now, so much more informed, empowered and lets just say that when I gave birth to Olivia, I also gave birth to a shiny new set of balls, the size of Texas. Oh yes, things will be very different if and when we venture down this road again.

So now I am trying to figure out *how* things will be different. My thought of the night is in regards to the anesthetic cocktail used on me last time and the idiot anesthesiologist who inserted it into me. In fairness, I cannot directly blame him until I find out what information was given to him. I will not blame him for epidural #1 as I am sure there is a certain percentage of sites that become dislodged and this must happen from time to time. What I don't understand is what happened for the second epidural - was the drop in blood pressure a result of improper placement in my spinal cord or was it that he used a different blend. What I was told by my doctor is that every anesthesiologist has a signature recipe they like to use. There are several drugs available to them and they select the blend based on several factors like the patients stature, medical history, the procedure being done and what they feel most comfortable using. Now epidural #3 is the $64,000 question (as my mother would say). It was ordered in an emergency situation. Was the anesthesiologist told about how I reacted to the second one or was he and decided to proceed anyway? Did he use the same cocktail or did I react badly to 2 separate ones?

Now I know most people would take these concerns to their doctor, get some reassurance that it was a fluke and be done with it. I cannot, I simply cannot. I am thinking of bypassing my doctor all together and going straight to the hospital to get a copy of my file and starting there. It's my file so I think they have to let me see it. I am pretty sure with this new privacy policy, if I request a copy, they have to give me one. I know it will be filled with medical terms and jargon but I can translate it bit by bit through internet resources I am sure. Even if I can't, I can still make an appointment with my doc, armed with it, looking for an exact explanation. Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't I say.

If it was indeed the anesthesiologist's fault, I want to make sure that I have a meeting with him before any epidurals in future. Make sure that he fully understands what hap penned and takes a good look at my file so that I am treated as a person and not a number. I want him to look me in the eye and assure me that he wont kill me. He will know that I am a well informed patient and that I am not to be pacified. If its a different anesthesiologist, I want a thorough review of my file before any cocktail mixing so that they understand my body's limitations. If it was the cocktail then I want to ensure that it not be inadvertently used on me again.

Now some of you may be wondering why I sound so bitter and jaded when I spend most of my life trying to find the bright and funny side of things. Well, I guess the last 6 months has changed my entire view on the medical profession. While there are some gems out there, sadly there are also some lumps of coal. I think that facing my mortality and the mortality of my daughter, suddenly there is a lot more at stake in terms of finding good medical care and advice. By being the best advocate I could for Olivia's health, I learned that I simply must do the same for myself. We only have one body and we need to make sure that those charged with its medical care are as well educated, competent and compassionate as possible.

These are the marbles that are rattling around in my brain in these wee hours - just thought I would share....