Camping = Hell

I think its Saturday, my brain is having a hard time calculating the basics. Yesterday I had a momentary lapse of sanity and decided that a last minute camping getaway would be a great family adventure. Ben got home from work around 7:30 pm and we booked a site, packed the car and off we went.

We (thankfully) decided to stay close to home and only booked at Bronte Creek on the Oakville/Burlington border. By the time we got our ice and wood and pitched our tent it was 11 pm. Besides forget a few things like a tarp (did I mention they were calling for thunderstorms) and dish soap we were in fairly good shape at that point. Then we tried to inflate our airbed and realized we left the power cord at home. This caused an impromptu 'meet the neighbours adventure' and I managed to borrow a pump - not the right one but still an electric one so we 'MacGyvered' the inflation process. We tried to transfer a sleeping Olivia from her car seat to her play yard in the tent and all hell broke loose - she was mad as hell about it and let the entire campground know. We couldn't figure it out at first but it became abundantly clear in short order that she was absolutely freaked out but the 'zipping' of the tent zippers. We tried to settle her to no avail so we put her back in the car and went for a drive to put her back to sleep.

After an hour of driving in true stalker fashion (creepily slow in repetitive loops) to ease the jarring from the potholes and gravel road bumps she was still awake and Ben and I were ready to slash our wrists. Did I mention that I never got my nap on Friday and Ben was up at 5 for the gym? Anyways, by 1:30ish we had finally worn her out and returned to the tent. We successfully transferred her but then it took another 20 minutes to close up the tent (trying to disguise the zipping).

Skip to 3 am, I wake up crippled with the support legs of the airbed jammed in my ribs and hips. At some point in the last 73 minutes of sleep, our air mattress had died a slow death and I woke to find it without any vital signs. I elbow Ben and tell him I am going home. I ask if he wants to come with me and tells me that he brought a backup roll mat in the car and he will stay with Olivia. I leave the two of them sleeping while I make my ever so slow, try-to-unzip-the-tent-without-making-the-unzip-noise-and-then-re-zip-it, exit. I make it home just after 4 am and crawl into bed.

Alarm goes off at 8 am and I begin rounding up all the stuff we forgot the night before. I bring another mattress, the cord for the original and a spare pump and other odds and ends. I get back to the campsite for 10 am to find Ben sitting half asleep at the picnic table and Olivia in her play yard. All looks well at first but then I find out that shes been up since 5 am and the BBQ lighter we bought en route last night is empty...yes brand new and it too is without vital signs. Ben is trying his best to start the fire with a flint and magnesium block and a pocket knife. Just as he is about to give up on life, I surprise him with the fact that I brought the kettle and he can have tea.

Off I go to the park store in search of a tarp and a BBQ lighter containing fuel. They have neither. Off I go, back to civilization. I find a tarp, a pack of 2 BBQ lighters, a 30m extension cord to reach the tent and of course a bag of marshmallows. I am triumphant. Back to the campground. Boyscout Ben has indeed managed to start the fire with the block and knife and is stoking the flames proudly as I arrive. Olivia on the other hand is not joining him on the current upswing in outlook. She is pissed that she has 6 square feet in which to roam. Whaaaaaaa!!!.

I spread a blanket, get some snacks and attempt to lure her back to her normally sunny disposition with toys and my undivided attention. The thunder starts to rumble. We discuss putting up the tarp before the rain starts. Olivia quickly tires with the blanket limitations and throws and all out body wiggling , wailing temper tantrum. I am careful to steer her in the opposite direction of the fire an set her free. Off she goes, on the grass and muddy bare spots toward the brush, sampling sticks and rocks just fast as I can confiscate them. Ben says 'maybe we should make brekky and then pack up'. At first I am hesitant to admit defeat. I try and reign Olivia back to the blanket which causes another temper tantrum. In her bid for freedom, she takes a bite out the ground - yes a mouthful of dirt - and begins to cry. I begin trying to scoop out the dirt she rubs her face and eyes, spreading the tears and saliva and dirt everywhere. I am stunned by the mess and that was the moment I gave in. During all this, Ben did manage to make his breakfast which in itself is almost miraculous.

Ben says why don't you take her for a drive while I pack all this up. I recall having seen a Starbucks in my earlier travels and off we go. Even that couldn't go right as the location I had seen did not have a drive-thru and the whole point of me going for the drive was to put Olivia to sleep. I have to go all the way into Burlington to get the drinks. On my way back the rain starts.

Moral of this story?
Wait until your kids are old enough to walk to go camping?
Wait until your kids stopping putting everything in their mouths to go camping?
Make sure your kids are not traumatized by zippers before making them sleep in a tent?
Make sure your air mattress doesn't leak?
Make sure you bring a pump for said air mattress?
Make sure your lighter has fuel?
Make sure you pick a weekend that they are not calling for thunderstorms?

You can choose, all I know is that we will be making sure that the camping fiasco of 2009 is a one hit wonder.

One day I should tell you about the camping fiasco of 2008....